Welcome to Australia. We don’t have enough American celebrity talk-show hosts visiting us, wearing Akubra cowboy hats, cuddling koalas and Aboriginal kids and telling us how they love coming Downunder because everybody is so natural and friendly. I understand we Aussie taxpayers have invested about $1,500,000.00 to get you here, so we’re naturally very excited to see what our money has bought. Please excuse us if we gush a bit.
I was at first a little disappointed not to be included on the interviewee list for your shows in the Opera House, but I consoled myself by remembering that Nicole Kidman needs the publicity more than I do. I can always talk about myself on this blog.I see you’re scheduled to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I’ve done it, and it wasn’t bad, but I hope you realise it costs the best part of $200. Make sure you have your credit card handy is all I’m saying. If that’s a problem, try walking across the Coat Hanger or riding it on a bike (Mevrouw T could lend you hers for the day). It costs nothing, and you get almost the same view (and photo) of the harbour.
You’ll probably want to go out on the water on a ferry. My expert recommendation is to make the trip to Watson’s Bay, stopping at a couple of interesting little jetties along the way. You could have lunch at the famous Doyles Seafood Restaurant. It used to be one of Sydney’s finest, though others have long passed it in the trendy restaurant stakes. If you’re looking for value, I suggest getting takeaway and eating it in the park.
Then head up the hill to the clifftop walk past The Gap. Sadly, it’s a popular suicide spot, but there is a LifeLine number on a sign there if you need to chat to anyone about how achieving fame and wealth doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness. On a fine day, with the Sydney-Hobart yachts under full sail, the view out towards Tasmania should make anybody feel that life is worth living.
Oprah, I hope you enjoy your time down here, and if you’re at a loose end after the show and you’d like to drop round for a barby next weekend, we’ve got a few guys coming over to watch the test match telecast from Perth. They’ll mostly be English cricket fans, I’m afraid – Aussies lost interest in this series a while ago. We’ll explain the rules of the game to you, though the only rule you really need to know for such social occasions is it’s BYO beer or wine. And a few marinated steaks would be appreciated, if there’s anything left out of that $1.5mill kitty.