Maluck picked up the phone the moment it rang, because who else could it be? He’d just dumped all his LP into his Probability Charm, and he wasn’t about to believe in coincidences.
“Are you the one looking for an accountant?” the voice asked.
“Yep.”, he said casually. “Did you want to meet up?”
The guy on the other end hesitated, like Maluck had just asked if he wanted to meet in a back alley. He clearly hadn’t expected instant results—maybe a phone interview, maybe a few emails, maybe a real hiring process.
“Uh… right now?”
“Yeah, why not?” Maluck said. That $200,000 check wasn’t going to hide itself, and the last thing he needed was the government deciding to take a “patriotic donation” out of his earnings.
Soi—because apparently, that was his name—gave him the coffee shop address. Maluck wasted no time driving over.
His car, once again, did not make a great first impression.
Soi glanced up from his phone as Maluck pulled into the lot. His expression was pure skepticism. Like he’d just realized this potential client might pay him in “thoughts and prayers.”
‘Did I just get catfished by a broke guy?’
Maluck walking into the coffee shop could practically hear the mental math happening. This guy was an accountant, after all. The way he was eyeing Maluck’s trusty-but-rusty ride, probably calculating whether this was worth his time, was obviously disdainful.
Maluck had spotted him immediately—pale, short-sleeved button-up, glasses slightly askew, and yes, that was definitely a box of personal belongings sitting on the table.
‘Did I just roll a nat 20 on hiring?’ Maluck thought.
He slid into the seat across from him, grinning.
“So… looks like you just got fired.”
Soi blinked. “Wha—how did you—?” He glanced at his box of personal belongings like he’d forgotten it was there. “…Oh.”
Maluck smirked. ‘Yeah. That’s about as perfect as it gets.’
***
“So, Soi,” Maluck said, leaning back in his chair, “I’m looking for an accountant, and you’re looking for a job. Seems like fate, huh?”
Soi, still a little wary, adjusted his glasses. “That depends. What exactly are you looking for?”
Maluck grinned. “Someone who can make sure the government gets as little of my money as legally possible.”
Soi gave him a long, calculating look. Then, with the air of a man deciding whether or not to sell his soul, he sighed. “Alright. My qualifications—I’ve worked for the CRA for the last ten years. Started as a Junior Tax Auditor, moved up the ranks, learned all the tricks, and saw firsthand how the system really worked.
Then, well…” He gestured vaguely to the box of fired employee sadness sitting next to him.
Maluck nodded knowingly. “Let me guess—you did your job too well, and a jealous boss and office politics got in the way?”
Soi blinked, then let out a dry laugh. “Damn. Nailed it. You sure you’re not psychic?”
Maluck smirked. “Nah, just seen enough competent people get screwed over to recognize the pattern.”
Soi narrowed his eyes. “Uh-huh. Anyway, yes. I was given a choice—either accept a demotion that would effectively kill my career or quit. So now, here I am, drinking overpriced coffee and wondering if my life is about to spiral into a financial abyss.”
Maluck laughed. “Perfect! I love hiring people with a grudge against the system.”
Soi gave him a very skeptical look. “Right. And what exactly do you do that requires an accountant with loose moral fiber?”
Maluck tapped the $200,000 check sitting in his pocket and smirked. “Let’s just say I come into money in…interesting ways.”
“It’s not drugs or money laundering is it? I’m not touching that.”
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Nope. Way more innocent. Gambling, pawn shops and lottery tickets.”
Soi raised an eyebrow. “And you want to make sure none of it ends up in the government’s hands?”
Maluck snapped his fingers. “Bingo.”
Soi sighed, rubbing his temples. “Okay. First things first—you need a corporation. You can’t just deposit random piles of money and expect the CRA to not come sniffing around.”
Maluck nodded. “Sounds good. How soon can you set one up?”
Soi blinked. “You’re really serious about this, huh?”
“Dude, my entire financial strategy right now is winning scratch tickets and gambling. Of course I need someone to keep me from getting audited into oblivion.”
Soi leaned back, considering. Then he extended his hand. “Alright. I’ll take the job. But I expect to be paid well.”
“How much, is well?”
“WelI I was making $110,000 a year,” Soi said, eyeing Maluck warily. “So I hate to ask, but… can you even afford me?” He glanced out the window at the absolute disgrace of a car Maluck had parked outside.
Maluck smirked. “Here, first deposit for my company.” He casually slid the $200,000 check across the table.
Soi picked it up and read the memo line: Comic Book Sale.
He blinked. Then blinked again. “Is this real?”
Maluck took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, just don’t spill anything on it. It’s definitely worth more than the car you keep judging me for.”
Soi looked at the very real $200,000 check in his hands, labeled comic book sale, and then back at Maluck, who was dressed like a guy who only recently upgraded from eating instant noodles for every meal.
Soi carefully gave the check back, as if it might spontaneously combust. “You do realize that most people starting a business don’t just hand out six-figure salaries like candy, right?”
“Yeah, well, I’m not most people,” Maluck said, grinning. “So why don’t we say $150,000 a year, and you can start… right now.”
Soi let out a long, slow exhale. “Jesus. What exactly is this job?”
“Simple,” Maluck said, waving a hand. “I need you to find every loophole, every deduction, and every questionably legal strategy possible to make sure the government never sees a single cent of my money.”
Soi stared at him for a beat. Then, for the first time all day, a slow grin spread across his face.
“You have no idea how much I’m going to enjoy this,” he said, shaking Maluck’s hand.
Maluck shook his hand. “Deal. Welcome aboard, Soi. Now, let’s go make some questionable financial decisions.”
***
Maluck leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “Alright, Soi, walk me through this. What exactly do I need to do here? And more importantly…” he grinned, “what do you need to do so that I don’t have to do anything?”
Soi chuckled, shaking his head. “Man, you really are trying to take the hands-off approach, huh?”
“Of course,” Maluck said. “I’m a firm believer in delegation. You know, hiring experts to handle things I have zero interest in.”
Soi smirked and pulled out his notebook, flipping to a clean page. “Alright, let me break this down into a quick checklist for you. Just the basics, so you don’t accidentally commit tax fraud before I even file your first report.”
He started scribbling notes while Maluck sipped his coffee, already feeling way better about his financial future—or at least, his ability to avoid troubles altogether.
Soi tapped his pen against the notebook. “Alright, Maluck, here’s what you need to do: Absolutely nothing.”
Maluck grinned. “Now that’s what I like to hear. Best hire I’ve ever made.”
Soi smirked. “Hold your horses. Technically, you still need to sign some paperwork, set up a business account, and, you know, legally exist as a company. But after that? Yeah, I’ll handle everything.”
Maluck exhaled dramatically, leaning back in his chair. “Ugh, paperwork? You mean, like… actual forms and stuff?”
“Yes, actual forms,” Soi said, rolling his eyes. “But don’t worry, I’ll fill them out. You just have to sign where I tell you to.”
Maluck clutched his chest in mock relief. “So I don’t have to read anything?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“Why would I ever want to?”
Soi chuckled and shook his head. “Alright, here’s the plan. First, we’re setting up a business entity—probably a corporation or an LLC—so you can run all your income through it. Casinos, scratch-offs, sketchy parking lot baseball trades—everything gets funneled through the company.”
Maluck nodded. “Okay, and what does that do for me specifically? Because this all sounds dangerously close to effort.”
“It means you aren’t personally paying taxes on any of this,” Soi explained. “Instead of ‘Maluck the Guy Who Wins Too Much Money,’ the government only sees ‘Maluck Industries, LLC.’ And companies? They get all the loopholes.”
Maluck’s eyes lit up. “I love loopholes. Loopholes are my second favorite hole.”
Soi smirked. “I refuse to ask you what your first favourite is. Now, the company is going to pay for everything—hotels, travel, meals, entertainment. You’re basically a business expense now.”
Maluck gasped. “So you’re telling me… I can write off fancy sushi?”
“Yes.”
“And expensive hotels?”
“Yes.”
“And gambling??”
“Technically… yes. If we’re smart about it.”
Maluck slammed his hands on the table. “Soi, my man, this is incredible. I was born to run a fake company.”
Soi groaned. “It’s not fake, it’s just strategically structured.”
“Right, right, totally legal and above board,” Maluck said, waving a hand. “Now, what do you need from me so we can make this happen?”
Soi flipped his notebook closed. “Two things. One, a business name.”
Maluck grinned. “Easy. Lucky Bastard Enterprises.”
Soi paused. “…Okay, first, that’s an HR nightmare. Second, do you really want ‘Bastard’ in your company name when you’re trying to look legitimate?”
Maluck frowned. “Fine. Lucky Star Ventures. Sounds fancy, right?”
Soi nodded. “That’ll work. Now, the second thing—funding. We need to start the business account with some capital.”
Maluck pulled out the $200,000 check again and slid it across the table. “This enough?”
Soi blinked. Then blinked again. “You really got this from selling a comic book?”
Maluck shrugged. “Not just any comic book! A majestic tale of mutant liberation and freedom.”
Soi exhaled. “Yeah, okay. We’re definitely getting this set up today. Before you do something stupid like lose it at a blackjack table.”
Maluck scoffed. “Pfft, please. I’d at least double it before losing it all.”
Soi buried his face in his hands. “This is going to be the weirdest job I’ve ever had.”
Maluck clapped him on the shoulder. “And also the most profitable. Now, let’s go start my totally legitimate empire.”
***
