That pit in my stomach felt turbulent as I made my way through the city streets, as if it intended to simply bust apart, detonating me like a bomb on the sidewalk. I began to feel a raw fear and hurry, moving faster than I think I’ve ever moved in my life, nimbly dashing through pedestrians before finally arriving at the now comforting site of the City of Embers. I moved my way inside, and saw that there were customers in the store; Silaqui was tending to them as a shopkeep should, but she saw me standing in the doorframe, and gestured for me to go up to her loft. I just barely made it to her home before I collapsed onto the floor, catching myself so as to not disturb her customers.

  I listened through the floor to their conversation; the Minotaur at the counter is buying medicinal herbs for his pregnant wife. Silaqui speaks to him in a polite and cheerful tone, one I haven’t heard her use. I feel anger at the thought that she has voices she shares with others and not with me, a politeness and kindness that I am not afforded. Just like that, the dam breaks; the darkness in my stomach bursts open, and begins to flood my body with an immense feeling of power, of a strength that felt intoxicatingly potent. But then it hit my brain, this darkness, and suddenly I was that man again, striking his child, enjoying it. The feeling washes over me, the sadism and hatred, and suddenly I felt acutely aware of the heartbeats of everyone around me. Their fleeting little heartbeats, and with my exceptional power, and how they were all children to me at this point, and how I could take whatever I wanted, and how all I needed was something to want. I began to laugh on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes; what the fuck was happening to me?

  Silaqui came into the room and looked at me, and I could feel the cortisol in her body spike and her heartbeat quicken. “Avery, are you okay?” she asked, a genuine concern in her voice. I sprung up from the floor with a violent and graceful motion, now facing her. Her face changed when she saw me, into something of surprise.

  “I feel amazing. Like I could do anything I wanted,” I replied, still crying, as a war was being waged within me.

  Silaqui wasted no time: she immediately began to gather several items from her kitchen and gather them into a mortar and pestle, grinding them into a paste, before diluting it in hot water and offering it to me. “What is this?” I asked, having paced around the room while watching her make it.

  “It is a sedative,” she replied, an anxiety in her tone that she tried to mask with a smile. “I’m hoping this will calm you until I can figure out what is going on with you.”

  “Why do I need this? I just told you, I feel amazing!” I replied, though my body took the drink and began to sip it immediately. I think deep down, a part of me knew that what was happening with me was unsettling and wrong, and desperately wanted to deescalate the situation. My mind was on fire; two consciousnesses were battling in my mind, one hell-bent on the idea that I use my gift to satisfy whatever cravings I could imagine in my sadistic little heart, and the other remembering the feeling I had when my mother hit me, and the sorrow I felt the sleepless night afterwards knowing that I didn’t deserve to want anything. These two completely opposite thought processes were threatening to tear me apart, and deep down, I just wanted it to stop, even though the power and feeling were so sweet and commanding.

  I got halfway through her medicine before I could no longer stand on my own two feet; as Silaqui guided me to her chair, I felt cared for in a way that was strange and foreign to me. When I sat down, she took the cup from me and looked me over in detail. For the first time, I noticed that the markings on my body were a shade of red, like the color of my eyes; no wonder she looked so shocked when she saw me. I saw a glimpse of my face in the mirror, and saw my raven black hair had turned a ghostly white, and my eyes glowed fiercely; I looked even more terrifying than I normally did somehow. All of this because I shook hands with one person. I began to cry again, this time from sorrow; this body, this gift I had been given, would be taken away, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

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  “What’s wrong now?” asked Silaqui, as she came back with some magical examination equipment.

  “You’re going to change me back now, aren’t you? To that other form, that other body.”

  “Well…” she said, getting to work on measuring my magical potential and psionic energy, “I would totally do that… If I could.”

  “Wait, what?” I replied. “You mean, you don’t know if you can change me back?”

  “Yeah, with the final adjustments I made to accommodate you and your situation, plus with this new wrinkle… I don’t think being a human is ever going to be possible for you again. I can change you again for sure, but the process would take years, maybe a decade, with how entrenched this magic seems to be in your system. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… You might be like this for a while.”

  My mind raced. I was so thankful, as I loved my new form, and my abilities, and the friends and comforts I had acquired with it. I had no desire to part with it, so hearing it was basically permanent was actually a comfort. But not being able to touch people without eating their darkness…

  “Is there any way you could mitigate the symptom involving physical contact? And why doesn’t it work on you? You touched my back after the ritual and nothing happened.”

  “I’m not sure,” she answered, switching one strange medical device for another. “Maybe the absorption through physical contact doesn’t work on Othersiders? Or at least specific Othersiders? Or maybe it only works on people who have sufficient evil in them? I can’t say for sure yet, but what I do know is this: your psyche changes to match the evil that you absorb, and your power grows as you eat these… It feels dumb for even calling it this, but these Vantas. Like, significantly; your power matches that of a low level wizard. As in, if I taught you, you could cast spells. It’s incredible, I’ve never seen anything like this.”

  I didn’t feel very incredible as I sat sedated on the chair, though at least my mind had slowed to a crawl in comparison to what it was before. I thought about how sickening it felt to have that influence over me, and how much worse it felt that I enjoyed it from the bottom of my heart. My mother would be disgusted with me, and if my understanding of my father was correct, he would be disappointed that I succumbed so easily to the call of the void. I wondered what would happen if I had touched hands with someone darker than that man; I wondered what would’ve happened if I had listened to my earlier instincts and kept this to myself, and simply gone home to deal with this myself. I could’ve eaten more of this darkness in a lust for power; I could’ve hurt someone, truly done something horrible and permanent, like that night in the alley with Siphoner and the man who didn’t have to die but died anyways. All because of me. I know I have the potential for evil, but Silaqui doesn’t, and can’t. If she knew, she would be afraid of me, and she would never let me be free. As much as I wanted to do the right thing, I had a shameful and desperate desire to live this new life I was given as I wanted to.

  “I think I’m alright now. Mentally that is; physically, I don’t think I could move from this spot. Thank you for helping me Silaqui.”

  “I’m glad you’re back to your senses,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief. “And I’m glad you immediately came to me. It proves that I was right to trust you with this power. I… I know how awful this must feel for you, but I want you to know that I’m really proud of you. This wasn’t easy for you. I may not have the abilities you do, but I at least have some empathy, and I can feel it in you; you’re suffering. You are extremely resilient, more so than any human I’ve ever met, and… Forgive me if I sound like a corny dumbass, but I am thankful that I found you out of all the folks in New York.”

  I had no words for her. None. No one had ever spoken to me like that, at least since Aera, and even then, her words in hindsight were veiled manipulations. This felt real, sincere, like someone baring a piece of their heart to me, trying to cross an insurmountable gorge I had created between myself and the world and extend a hand to me. I felt horrified for a moment, a genuine terror, like I had fucked up somehow, and she was showing me courtesy because of some pity. But the look on her face, the shimmer of her draconic eyes, told me otherwise. I felt whatever was in my chest beat once, and the warmth of blood rushed throughout my body, and I couldn’t help but have a genuine smile flicker on my face.

  “I think meeting you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.”