Maluck was mid-bite, enjoying the perfect combination of cream cheese, capers, and onions on his bagel, when his phone buzzed.
He glanced down.
Fraudulent purchase flagged.
His chewing slowed.
‘$9000?’
Maluck blinked. His Visex credit limit was big, but this? This would slam it right against the ceiling.
He hadn’t even paid off the last batch of expenses yet.
For a split second, he wondered if someone had actually stolen his card.
Then he remembered.
Chloe.
‘Right. The car detailing.’
He sighed and hit the “Approve” button.
That should’ve been the end of it.
It wasn’t.
His phone immediately started ringing.
A deep, ominous feeling settled in his gut as he saw the caller ID.
Visex Customer Service.
‘Oh. No.’
Maluck exhaled, took one last sip of coffee for strength, and answered.
“Hello, this is—”
“Mr. Tykabreyyyoze?” a nasal, painfully slow voice asked, absolutely butchering his last name.
Maluck’s eye twitched. “Close enough.”
“This is Kendra from Visex Fraud Prevention. We noticed an unusual charge on your account—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Maluck cut in. “It’s fine. That was me.”
A long pause.
“…You’re saying you meant to spend twenty-five thousand dollars in one transaction?”
“Yes,” Maluck said, rubbing his forehead.
Another pause.
“…Sir, this is not in line with your usual spending patterns.”
Maluck groaned. “Yeah, because I don’t usually buy stupidly overpriced luxury services. But today, I did.”
Kendra’s tone didn’t change. “Our system has flagged this as potential fraud.”
Maluck pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s not fraud.”
“We take customer security very seriously.”
“I know,” Maluck said. “And I appreciate that. But I approved it. It’s fine.”
“I understand, sir,” Kendra continued, ignoring his frustration. “But I see here that your previous highest transaction was $2,800 on hotel stays.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And prior to that, we see a pattern of multiple small transactions, typically under $50.”
“Yes, because I buy food, not yachts. What’s your point?”
“Our system flags sudden high-value purchases as potential fraud.”
Maluck squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay, great. You flagged it. And I confirmed it. Approve the charge.”
“I’m afraid I need to ask you a few more questions.”
Maluck’s jaw clenched. “Why?”
“It’s part of our verification process.”
He took a deep breath. “Fine. Ask away.”
Kendra cleared her throat.
“What was the last purchase you made in person using this card?”
Maluck’s brain blanked. “Uh… breakfast? A bagel?”
She made a noncommittal noise. “I see. And do you remember the exact total?”
“…No.”
Another ominous pause.
Maluck frowned. “Wait. Are you saying if I don’t know the exact number, you’re not gonna approve the charge?”
“Sir, this is just a standard security check—”
“Oh, for—fine! It was somewhere around six bucks. He looked around for the breakfast receipt. Maybe seven? I don’t know!”
More keyboard clicking.
Kendra typed for what felt like an eternity.
Then:
“And who is the intended recipient of this $9000 purchase?”
Maluck stared at the ceiling. “My girlfriend. She’s getting a car detailed.”
Kendra went silent.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“…Detailed?”
“Yes.”
“For nine thousand dollars?”
“Yes.”
“…Sir.”
Maluck gritted his teeth. “What?”
“You are aware that most full-service car detailing costs under $500, correct?”
Maluck’s eye twitched. “Yes.”
“And that even premium services rarely exceed $2,000?”
“Yes.”
“…So why is this one—”
Maluck snapped.
“Because my girlfriend decided the car needed to be purged of evil, resurrected, and reborn as a goddamn holy relic, okay?”
Silence.
More typing.
Kendra, finally, sighed.
“Alright, Mr. Tykrydroze. We’ll approve the charge.”
Maluck sagged in relief.
“Thank you.”
“Would you like to enroll in our high-value purchase notification program for future transactions?”
Maluck hung up.
****
Maluck stared at the massive detailing charge on his phone.
‘Since when did Chloe start spending money like it was nothing?’ he thought.
Then it hit him.
‘Wait. Ever since she started hanging out with me… I’ve been spending money like it’s nothing.’
Expensive dinners. Five-star hotels. Walking around with stupidly large rolls of cash like he was some kind of high roller.
From Chloe’s perspective, this was normal. She probably had no idea that barely a month ago, Maluck was just a broke loser who flinched every time he had to check his bank balance.
He chuckled to himself.
‘Well, it doesn’t really matter now.’
What did matter was the fact that he should probably call Soi and figure out his finances before he actually became broke again.
He pulled out his phone and dialed.
“Hey, Soi.”
“Maluck,” Soi greeted. “Did you change your mind about donating your car? Glad to hear it—”
“No, no, I’m still doing that,” Maluck interrupted. “But listen, you’ve still got all those financial records? From your previous audit, right?”
Soi hesitated. “Well, technically… I don’t. Remember? I used to work for the government. There are a lot of confidential files.”
Maluck smirked. “But you can access them?”
There was a short pause before Soi replied, way too formally.
“Well, since I’m on the phone, I can say that it would be completely illegal for me to access that kind of information. And there is absolutely no way I could do that.”
Maluck grinned. “Got it.”
He tapped his fingers on the table, thinking. “Alright, then. What’s my next step in figuring out how they’re pulling off their scam?”
Soi hummed. “If I had to guess? There’s always someone who’s skimming a little extra off the top in an operation like this. You should figure out who that is.”
“Alright,” Maluck said, filing that away for later. “Now let’s talk about Lucky Star.”
“Good,” Soi said. “Like I mentioned before, the $200,000 check should clear soon.”
“Great,” Maluck said. “Also… I have a penny worth $100,000. What should I do with that?”
“…What?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a rare penny worth a hundred grand. Should I sell it, or should I keep it in a safe? I was thinking it’d be a good idea to hold onto it—it’s valuable, highly mobile, and I don’t have to do anything to it.”
Soi was silent for a few seconds.
Then, finally:
“…Okay. I do have some advice. But let’s not talk over the phone.”
Maluck raised an eyebrow. ‘That serious, huh?’
“Well, I’m having breakfast. Want to come join me for coffee?”
Soi sighed. “Fine. Text me the address.”
***
Twenty minutes later, he arrived.
“Hey, Maluck,” said Soi.
Maluck nodded. “Hey, Soi, grab a seat.”
Soi sat down and eyed the blender on the table. “Is that a blender?”
“Yep, my lucky blender,” Maluck said.
Maluck had taken the blender out of his rust bucket because he planned to give it to Chloe to take back to the hotel in the Hellburst, since he was going to donate the clunker after breakfast.
It was the one he’d picked up at a pawn shop for way less than it was worth. He still wasn’t sure what he was going to do with it. But one day—one day—he’d get it appraised and actually put it to use.
That day wasn’t today, of course. Today, he had plenty to talk to Soi about.
The waitress came by, took Soi’s offer and returned with a black coffee.
Soi drank a sip of coffee, tapping his fingers against the table as he looked at Maluck.
“You know, most people don’t go from broke loser to wealthy degenerate in under a month,” he said, taking a slow sip of coffee.
Maluck smirked. “Yeah, well. I like to keep things interesting.”
Soi rolled his eyes. “Alright, let’s go over what you actually have.”
He tapped the table as he spoke. “You’ve got over two hundred grand in cash and bank accounts, a credit card bill for thirty-seven grand, and almost twenty-two grand in cash just sitting in your pocket like some kind of mobster. Oh, and let’s not forget the one-hundred-thousand-dollar penny, the mystery coins from Bigfoot, and the brand-new muscle car you extorted from Ron. Also, Chloe’s on payroll now, so that’s another thing to keep track of.”
Maluck leaned back in his seat, stretching. “Sounds like a pretty good situation to me.”
“Yeah,” Soi said, unimpressed. “And it’ll disappear just as fast if you don’t get your spending under control.”
Maluck frowned. “I have it under control.”
Soi raised an eyebrow. “Maluck. You just approved a twenty-five-thousand-dollar car detail without blinking.”
Maluck opened his mouth, hesitated, then sighed. “…Okay, fair point.”
Soi smirked but continued, his voice turning more serious. “First thing—pay off the damn Visex bill. I don’t care how much money you think you have. Credit card interest is a scam, and Visex loves high-rollers because they’re the first ones to burn out. You have the cash—pay it off before it snowballs.”
Maluck waved a hand. “Fine, fine. I’ll deal with it.”
“Next,” Soi continued, “stop walking around with a fat roll of cash like a wannabe cartel boss. It makes you a target. Either put some of that into an actual bank account or invest it in something smart. Not just another coin.”
Maluck grinned. “Are you saying I should sell the penny?”
Soi sighed, rubbing his temple. “That depends. Do you want liquid cash or a portable emergency fund? If you’re keeping it, make sure it’s locked up somewhere safe, insured, and off-site. If you sell it, do it privately, so you don’t get hit with taxes or, you know, robbed.”
Maluck nodded. “Right. And Bigfoot’s coins?”
“You need to get those appraised ASAP,” Soi said. “If they’re worthless, dump them. If they’re valuable, that’s another asset you can use.”
“Noted,” Maluck said. “And Chloe?”
“You hired her—good. But do you actually know how much you’re paying her?” Soi asked. “Is she getting a salary? Are you just handing her cash? If you don’t do this right, she’s getting screwed on taxes later. You need to figure out if you’re handling this under the table or making it official.”
Maluck groaned. “I hate financial plans.”
Soi smirked. “Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m here.”
That’s when Chloe pulled into the parking lot of the breakfast place, the brand-new, gleaming Hellburst looking like it had just rolled out of a showroom.
“Ta-da!” she yelled through the window at Maluck.
He was sitting at a window seat, mid-bite, when he looked outside.
Damn.
The car looked incredible.
