A moment later, Chloe walked in, still riding the high of spending an absurd amount of money on detailing. She glanced at Soi, then raised an eyebrow.
“Oh? Who’s this?”
Maluck gestured between them. “This is Soi, the other employee of Lucky Star. Soi, meet Chloe.”
Soi nodded. “Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Chloe said, sliding into the booth. “So, what are we talking about?”
“We were just going over financial stuff,” Maluck said. “Want to sit in?”
“Sure, but let me grab some food first.”
She waved over a waiter and ordered a plate of nachos.
Not exactly in line with her ‘World’s Best Thief’ training regimen, but she was feeling great after seeing the Hellburst fully restored to its god-tier glory.
She turned back to the table, smirking. “Alright, Soi, hit us with your plan.”
Soi exhaled, stirring his coffee like he was about to tell Maluck he had three months to live.
“Alright, here’s the situation,” he said, looking between Maluck and Chloe. “Right now, you’re in a transition phase. You’re not broke, but you’re not actually wealthy either—you’re just a guy with a lot of cash and no structure.”
Maluck sipped his coffee. “I don’t like the word ‘structure.’”
“Yeah, I figured,” Soi deadpanned. “That’s why your finances look like a drunken gambling spree.”
Chloe nodded. “That sounds about right.”
“Glad you agree,” Soi said dryly. “So let’s talk about what’s next. First, your cash flow—because right now, you don’t actually have one.”
Maluck tilted his head. “I have cash.”
“Yeah, but where’s your income?” Soi shot back. “Right now, you’re burning money. That’s fine while you still have a pile of it, but what happens when it runs out? You need something coming in, not just cash going out.”
Chloe perked up. “Ooooh, so we’re building the empire now?”
Soi pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sure. Let’s call it that.”
Maluck grinned. “I like it.”
Soi took a slow breath. “Next problem: you just dropped twenty-five grand on car detailing. That tells me one thing—you have no concept of money anymore.”
Maluck shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” Soi said. “You need to start tracking what you’re actually spending. Otherwise, you’re gonna wake up one day, check your balance, and wonder why you’re suddenly poor again.”
Chloe popped a nacho into her mouth. “Yeah, I can see that happening.”
Maluck frowned. “I don’t like this conversation anymore.”
“Too bad,” Soi said. “Because next up is assets. Right now, you’re walking around with a hundred-thousand-dollar penny and random coins from a biker gang. That’s not normal. You need to figure out what’s actually valuable and what’s just garbage.”
“Fine,” Maluck muttered. “I’ll get the coins checked out. Or actually…” He looked at Chloe. “Here you go! Go appraise this my minion!”
“Hey!” Chloe protested.
“What? You heard Soi—they need to be appraised. And who better to do that than a savvy ex-pawnshop employee?” Maluck said with an innocent smile.
Chloe crossed her arms. “I knew this job was too good to be true,” she grumbled.
“Good,” Soi said. “Now, your car.”
Chloe immediately perked up. “Oh, that’s my topic! The car is perfect now. It’s flawless.”
“Yeah,” Soi said flatly, “and it’s also a huge liability.”
Maluck raised an eyebrow. “How?”
Soi tapped his fingers on the table, eyeing Maluck. “You just took ownership of a very expensive, very noticeable muscle car. That comes with costs.”
Maluck raised an eyebrow. “Like what? Gas?”
Soi sighed. “Like insurance. A car like that doesn’t come cheap to insure, and considering how you acquired it, I doubt Ron was paying the bare minimum. If you don’t want a financial nightmare, you need to get it properly covered—fast.”
Maluck frowned. “Great. More paperwork.”
“And maintenance is another thing,” Soi continued. “This isn’t your old rust bucket—you’re looking at premium parts, premium service, and premium headaches. You can’t just take it to any mechanic. Every little fix is going to cost you.”
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
Chloe smirked. “Basically, you just leveled up to Luxury Vehicle Owner Problems?.”
Maluck groaned. “I already regret this.”
Soi shrugged. “Too late. Welcome to the world of unnecessary financial burdens.”
Soi smirked. “Well, there’s one upside—you can write it off as a business expense.”
Maluck blinked. “Wait, seriously?”
“Yeah,” Soi said, nodding. “If you list it under Lucky Star’s assets and claim it’s used for ‘business purposes,’ then part of the insurance, maintenance, and even gas can be deducted.”
Maluck leaned back, grinning. “So you’re saying my ill-gotten muscle car is now a tax break?”
“Within reason,” Soi said, rolling his eyes. “You can’t just throw every luxury expense onto the company, or the tax office will start asking questions.”
Chloe snickered. “Yeah, Maluck. Maybe don’t claim the $9000 detailing as a ‘necessary business cost.’”
Maluck snapped his fingers. “But….it is…..and it’s a genius idea.”
Soi sighed. “Just register it properly, keep some records, and don’t be too greedy with deductions, and you should be fine.”
Maluck grinned. “I love legal loopholes.”
Soi tapped his fingers on the table, smirking. “Oh, and let’s not forget—the car technically cost you one dollar.”
Maluck raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? So?”
“So,” Soi continued, “when you report it as a business asset, you have to list the purchase price. And since it legally changed hands for one Canadian dollar, the tax office is either going to laugh their asses off or start asking way too many questions.”
Chloe snorted. “So what do we do? List it as ‘Acquired Through Advanced Negotiations’?”
Maluck grinned. “Nah. ‘Strategic Asset Reallocation.’”
Soi shook his head. “You can technically list the fair market value instead, since it was part of a ‘business exchange,’ but that still means you’re gonna owe taxes on it.”
Maluck’s grin faded. “Wait. Taxes?”
Soi smirked. “Oh yeah. You ‘bought’ a luxury vehicle for a dollar, but the government doesn’t care about what you paid. They care about what it’s worth. And unless you want the CRA breathing down your neck, you better be ready for a tax bill.”
Maluck groaned. “This is why crime doesn’t pay.”
Chloe grinned. “Unless you expense it correctly.”
Maluck groaned, rubbing his temples. “Okay, yeah. This sounds way too annoying. I refuse to deal with it.”
Soi smirked. “Then enjoy your audit.”
“Or,” Maluck said, leaning forward with a grin, “you can do it.”
Soi exhaled sharply, shaking his head. “No. Absolutely not.”
“Come on, man,” Maluck said, waving a hand. “You love paperwork. It’s like… your thing.”
Soi gave him a flat look. “Liking paperwork and getting buried under someone else’s financial mess are two very different things.”
Chloe crunched a nacho, watching the back-and-forth like a tennis match.
Maluck sighed dramatically. “Okay. What do you want?”
Soi raised an eyebrow. “You’re actually offering compensation?”
“More like a bribe to make my problems go away. But sure, let’s call it that.”
Soi leaned back, thinking. Then he shrugged. “Fine. If I’m going to be your accountant, legal shield, and general financial babysitter, then I want an assistant.”
Maluck frowned. “What, like… an intern?”
“No. A competent assistant,” Soi corrected. “Someone to help manage all this paperwork so I don’t spend my entire life fixing your terrible financial decisions.”
Maluck thought about it for a second, then nodded. “Alright. Deal. Find yourself a minion.”
Soi smirked. “Glad we could come to an agreement.”
Chloe grinned. “This is definitely how real businesses work.”
“You can hire whoever you want,” Maluck said, waving a hand dismissively. “And pay them Lucky Star rates.”
Soi narrowed his eyes. “Lucky Star rates?”
“Yeah, you know—just like when I hired you for $150,000.” Maluck grinned. “Find someone great, and pay them more than they could make anywhere else.”
Soi folded his arms. “So… you want me to headhunt a top-tier financial assistant, offer them an insanely over-the-top salary, and expect them to work for you?”
“Yes.”
Soi sighed. “You really don’t understand money, do you?”
Maluck smirked. “That’s why I hired you.”
Chloe snorted into her nachos. “Honestly, this is the best hiring policy I’ve ever seen.”
Soi shook his head but didn’t argue. Because deep down, he knew—Maluck’s ridiculous, reckless way of doing things somehow worked.
Maluck leaned forward, smirking. “Alright, let’s do this properly. Give me a list of everything you want in your ideal, competent financial assistant.”
Soi crossed his arms. “You’re serious?”
“Dead serious. If I’m throwing stupid amounts of money at this, might as well get the best.”
Soi exhaled, then pulled out his phone and started typing. After a moment, he muttered, “Alright… fine.”
Maluck grinned. “Go on, read it out.”
Soi glanced up. “Alright. If I’m hiring someone to fix the financial disaster that is your life, they need to be:
?Sharp as hell. I don’t have time to explain basic math. If I say ‘optimize tax deductions,’ they better already know how.
?Unflappable. This person is going to be handling your money, which means they need to be okay with chaos, stupidity, and occasional mild extortion.
?Paranoid. If they don’t triple-check contracts, sniff out fine print scams, and question every ‘limited-time offer’ you get roped into, they’re useless to me.
?Fast. I need someone who can process financial reports and find loopholes at Mach speed.
?Discreet. The last thing I need is some idiot leaking Lucky Star’s finances or running their mouth to the wrong people.
Also, I’m not hiring:
?Crypto bros. If they say ‘blockchain’ unironically, I’m walking out.
?Wannabe influencers. I don’t care if they have a finance TikTok account with ‘money tips’ that are actually just tax fraud.
?People who think spending less than $10 on coffee makes them a financial genius.”
Maluck chuckled. “Damn, you’re picky.”
Soi gave him a look. “You gave me unlimited money to hire whoever I want. I’m getting someone good.”
Chloe popped a nacho into her mouth. “So basically, you want a financial assassin.”
Soi nodded. “Exactly.”
Maluck grinned. “Fine by me. Let’s find a money ninja.”
“What do you mean, let’s find our money ninja?” Soi asked, raising an eyebrow.
Maluck smirked and rubbed his Probability Charm, spending 5 LP on it. “I mean, put up a job post everywhere you think we could hire someone like that.”
Soi blinked. “You mean, like, actual financial job boards? The ones professionals use?”
“Yeah,” Maluck said, waving a hand. “And fire off a note to your contacts. You must know a lot of people.”
Soi exhaled. “You want me to do this right now?”
“Yeah. Right now.”
Shaking his head, Soi pulled out his phone and started typing. The job description was much more formal and polished than the list he had read out to Maluck—because he was trying to hire a professional, not scare them off.
Maluck kept focusing on the Probability Charm, eyes narrowed in concentration. He had spent 5 LP on this, and he wanted to see if anything would happen.
Soi hit post and leaned back. “Alright, it’s up. But this isn’t magic, Maluck. Hiring takes time—”
DING!
Soi’s phone immediately buzzed with a notification.
He glanced down at the screen. His eyebrows shot up.
Chloe leaned in. “That was… suspiciously fast.”
Maluck grinned. “Let’s see what the universe just cooked up for us.”
***
