Chapter 50: Left Ear (50)

  It was already past nine at night when Lin and I walked out of the library, our hands clean. We were both starving. Lin suggested we go to a restaurant to treat ourselves to a good meal. I said no need, I still had things to do back in my dorm. Lin looked at me with some affection as I walked away, and when I turned around to wave goodbye, she was still standing there looking at me with affection.

  Lin didn't have a boyfriend, and weekends were lonely for her. I actually wanted to accompany her for a meal, but I didn't want her to pay, and I couldn't afford it myself, so it had to be like this.

  I returned to the dormitory and ate some biscuits, drank a little water, feeling much better. The girls in the same dormitory were not staying in the dormitory, they had quickly found their own wonderful things. I leaned on the bed, having a fierce struggle with myself, this day, I made myself so tired just to avoid such struggles, he had already started a new life, he had long forgotten, I should have washed and slept, closed my eyes, even without dreaming, but I couldn't do it, almost only three minutes later, I was defeated from this meaningless struggle. I changed into a clean pair of jeans, put on my pink kitty cat sports shirt, carried my bag, opened the dormitory door, and set off.

  October night, the campus was filled with an inexplicable flavor that made people drunk and want to cry. I walked on the road with a depressed mood, becoming a light and airy paper that couldn't control myself. When I arrived at the school gate, I saw Lin, Lin and a chubby tall boy, and I involuntarily slowed down my pace. I saw the boy trying to hold Lin's hand, but was gently pushed away by Lin. I saw Lin's somewhat resistant and stubborn back, and I thought I understood that Lin wouldn't like that boy, Lin was just lonely, she just wanted someone to accompany her for a meal, but what about me? Why was I doing this? I was hurt by my own inexplicable behavior, with no way to redeem myself.

  The last subway train of the city whizzed past behind me. I walked up to the ground along the long stairs, looking at the unfamiliar October sky in Shanghai. For some reason, I suddenly thought of the night when fireworks were placed on the rooftop. I'm willing to believe that every small spark that lit up the night sky has never gone out, and they eventually rose into the sky, turning into tonight's stars. Only those who set off fireworks have long been scattered in the vast ocean of people, unknown where they went.

  I pushed open the door of the bar at 11 o'clock at night. Compared to my last visit, the bar was much more lively and chaotic, with a band performing on stage, a girl singing loudly: oh....oh....., I looked around and saw that photo is the best, you and me took it again and again until our faces are old, if we don't look for trouble, there's nothing to lament, did you and I love each other just to join in the fun, watching the sunrise and sunset isn't a big deal...... The swaying lights and shadows, I looked around but didn't see Xu Ye. A waiter passed by my side, I grabbed him and asked loudly: "Excuse me, have you seen Xu Ye?"

  "Xu Yi ah?" He looked at me with a ambiguous smile, pointing his finger towards the corner: "Hey!"

  I turned my head around, and finally saw him. I didn't see his face, but I knew it was Xu Yi, the Xu Yi I had been longing to be intimate with. He was tightly holding a girl in his arms. The girl wore green pants and a red top, her eyes closed, happiness overflowing from her smile without restraint. He was kissing her.

  No, they should be kissing, deeply, passionately, as if no one was watching.

  I've gone deaf. I can no longer hear any music, and I'm frozen there, with something slowly shattering, an irretrievable panic and sorrow. I tell myself, Li Rou, this is what you brought upon yourself, this is everything you must endure.

  You deserve it.

  Never give up until the last moment!

  I was reading Qiong Yao's book in the library, this woman who writes about love so extravagantly. Her stories don't easily move me, but I was struck by this sentence from her story.

  I stood up a bit unsteadily and walked out of the library under Lin's concerned gaze.

  The weather in November has a slightly chilly feeling.

  I huddled up and walked along the quietest path in the campus, took out my phone and typed a message to Qiong Yao: Dear, please tell me, what should I do?

  I sent the information to Bala.

  Blah blah blah.

  I closed my eyes.

  Blah blah blah, my dear, if you are watching me from heaven at this moment, please guide me. Let me understand that I must persevere. Let me still have the courage to believe that by persevering to the end, we can definitely get the happiness we want. Come on!!!????..