Left Ear (51)

  Left ear (51)

  That night, in my dream, I miraculously returned to when I was seventeen. I dreamed of that snowy winter, a thin and tall boy wearing a grey coat, fiercely approached me, stretched out one finger and said to me: "I will never like you."

  I looked at his arrogant face, hesitated and stretched out my hand, wanting to touch it.

  This face, whiter and cleaner than a girl's, with big and bright eyes, struck me vaguely yet strongly in my dream. But when I stretched out my hand, he turned around and ran away.

  He rushed out of the half-closed blue curtain door, and into the thick snow, never looking back. I wanted to call out his name, but suddenly forgot who he was.

  How can I summon you back?

  I dreamed of crouching on the ground, trying hard to recall your name, with a splitting headache.

  Alas, my dear. I know you won't respond to me anymore. You've left, leaving me here hesitating, with both hands unsure whether to reach out or let go. Do you know that all this time, I've been guessing what your last words to me were? Many many days have passed, and I insisted on believing that you were telling me the secret to happiness, but only today did I have to admit that our happiness is so far away, so hard to come by.

  I was tormented by such a desperate dream for a whole night, and when I woke up, the sky was already bright. The girls in the dormitory were all gone, and only then did I realize that today was the weekend. There was an unreturned call from Lin on my phone. I hastily washed and rushed to the library. Lin was already waiting for me there, she had bought a pancake and handed it to me hotly.

  "You didn't answer my call and I was worried about you." Lin looked at me with a reproachful tone, "Li Er, you're such a worrisome child."

  I took a big bite of the pancake and giggled.

  Ling said: "Sometimes I want to connect your head to a computer and see what's stored inside."

  I continued to giggle and after I finished laughing, I said: "I want to make money, the more the better."

  Lin looked at me in surprise: "How can there be an economic crisis just after the start of school?"

  "Can we not ask?"

  She smiled at me with great tolerance and profound meaning, pulled out a Meitunong double-use notebook from her pocket, unzipped it, and inside were more than thirty business cards neatly arranged.

  "From Monday to Saturday, except for class time, I should be able to help you contact a part-time job. If you are willing to go out at night, I can help you find something to do until 12 o'clock when the lights are off."

  I stretched out my oily hands holding the pancake unexpectedly and lightly hugged Lin, who shrieked and jumped up.

  In the days that followed, everything was really packed with Lin's arrangements. I wore running shoes every day so that I could run back to school from the nearest residential area without taking a taxi. I tied my hair up in a bun like Ba La used to do, exposing my thin face completely, which had no aesthetic appeal, but I didn't need to care about it.

  One evening, a girl from Suzhou who slept on the upper bunk in our dorm raised a topic and asked everyone what the most rustic hairstyle in the world was. After she finished asking, the other two girls giggled, and I also lay on my bed and smiled politely at them. Then I patted my hair and said, "Beautiful ladies, look here!"

  After finishing, in their satisfied laughter, I closed my eyelids peacefully and tiredly, and fell into a deep sleep.

  To know how precious a good sleep is to me, the next morning I felt refreshed and listened attentively in class all day. After school, I bought some fresh cake and went to the library to give it to Lin to eat. Lin handed over a stack of books to a boy and stood at the borrowing desk smiling at me, the warm atmosphere in the library reminded me that winter was approaching soon. My hair had grown very fast, they had grown a lot, messy and soft, sticking to my neck, making me feel warm. I didn't bother to go to the barber shop to trim them, only when my bangs grew long, I would cut it short myself in the dormitory with a pair of scissors in front of a round mirror. Sometimes the scissors wouldn't work well, and my bangs would look awkward, but I didn't care, anyway my hairstyle was notoriously bad, compared to those beautiful girls in the dormitory, I always looked dull and unremarkable.

  Sometimes I inexplicably think of him, recalling how he unexpectedly appeared in front of me and said in a pleasant voice: "Li Ru, your hair needs a cut."

  He won't appear again, I thought sorrowfully time and time again.

  Lynn is my only friend. During recess, we spend a long time sitting in the library to kill time. Lynn can wear high-necked sweaters during this season to cover up the mark on her neck. The fat boy who likes her will bring her hamburgers and hot milk while she's reading, without saying anything, and leave after putting them on the table. Lynn usually doesn't touch it until it slowly cools down. Sometimes she forces me to drink the hot milk, saying: "Lǐ Ruò, you're too skinny, I'm really worried that the wind will blow you away, you should eat more, your face will look rosier."

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